Trying To Make A Fortune

Not many people know this, but I actually have some psychic ability. For instance, right now, hold on, it's coming to me...I am sensing that all of the stores where you can get your fortune read in the city... don't have any customers in them!

I once walked by a psychic who asked if I would like to have my fortune read and I replied, 'No... and you should have known that."
I then walked by her ten minutes later and she again asked me if I wanted my fortune read. Now how am I going to put any stock in your ability to predict the future, when you're having trouble conjuring up the recent past?

In Istanbul, one of the charms of the city is to get your fortune told by a bunny. A man will have a wooden box filled with pieces of paper and a rabbit will bite one of the pieces of paper; and whichever one he picks is your fortune. When I did this, the man shoved the rabbit's face in the box, then grabbed a piece of paper out himself and said that the rabbit had picked this particular piece of paper. I thought about arguing that I was paying to have the rabbit predict my future and not him, but I avoided that conversation on account of it being too ridiculous. So instead of protesting, I just opened up my piece of paper which read,

"Someone leaved you causes you to lose sleeps, but you not worry, for he will come back, and you and him will be happys once again."

Who the hell is this 'he' that I'm losing sleeps over? Me and 'him' will be happys again? I told the man that I was into women, that he must have given me someone else's fortune and that we should probably let the rabbit pick this time. But the man insisted that the rabbit picked the right fortune. There's no money better spent, than paying five bucks to have a bunny rabbit call you gay.

Perhaps my cynicism towards those who claim to know what has yet to be, stems from an arcade I went to when I was a kid. I had one quarter left. Not enough for any of the new age realistic 50 cent games of the day like Golden Axe or Smash TV, but enough for a machine that would give a sneak preview of your future in the form of piece of paper inside a plastic egg. I put my last quarter in the machine, pulled out the egg, and inside was a piece of paper that stated,

'YOU WILL SOON MAKE A FINANCIAL BLUNDER.'

I couldn't help but think that I already had.

Sometimes when I'm on the bus or in the car and open up my laptop, it tells me that it's searching for wi-fi networks. I always want to pat it on it's head and say, "Oh silly laptop, I'm moving right now. Any network you find, you're just going to lose right away." But at least it's trying. What an adorable idiot computer.

A Song That Reminds You That Love Is Real

Just in case you're not one of the 2 million people who ve already enjoyed this romantic melody off of Cee-Lo Green's new album out next month.

If anyone is thinking about getting into this band called, 'The Beatles', I recommend starting out with 'The Beatles Greatest Hits'.

I'd say that might be their best album.

A tradition like none other...

The Little League World Series of Poker.

I'm a social butterball

I always try to make sure that everybody feels comfortable in social situations; I think almost to a fault. I'm regularly guilty of over introducing people. It's to the point where when I go home I'll be like 'Hey dad, you know mom right? Have you guys met? I you have? Oh that's why I'm here? Oh, right on. Cool, well, I'm gonna grab a beer, can I buy you guys one? Oh, you don't drink? Yeah I think I knew that."
Then under my breath I say, "Why do you think I offered?"
If you ever need to get out of a conversation, always chug your beer, and say you have to go grab another one. Offer to buy that person a drink, so it looks like you have every intention to resume the conversation with the person. But only do so if the person you are talking to doesn't drink, or if they have a full beer. If for some reason the person takes you up your offer, go to the bar and buy two beers. Then get a pretend call on you cell phone, walk outside, and drink both beers on the train ride home.

Did you hear about the Boogey Man? I heard he just came out of the closet.

TONIGHT!

AT THE UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE THEATER IN MANHATTAN AT 6:30! COME FOR THE SET-UPS, STAY FOR THE PUNCHLINES!

You know, just one time I wanna see someone lying on the side of the road with a shirt that says, "I fell off"

The Candwhich

I tell you what, when you got that hot August sun beating down on you, nothing hits the spot like an ice cold can of sandwhich. I will say, for a second, for one brief second, you might actually think that this whole thing is a rational idea. And then all faith is lost at the words 'interplanetary travel'. For the record, if you're ever going to try to convince the public that you're not crazy, leave the words 'interplanetary travel' out of all vernacular. The reality is though, that this man will be a millionaire. Because Spam, Chia Pet, and the Snuggie have taught us that if an idea is just bad enough, it becomes a great joke gift. Nothing sells better than something people purchase because they think, 'Ha, who would buy this thing?'

Do you ever wonder if the guy you got stuck talking to, is trying to get out of the conversation too?

MUST NOT BE A VERY GOOD ONE

Sometimes in the hustle and the bustle of the big city, i forget to look up and really notice all the tall buildings. Man... they sure are ugly.

My tribute to the standard american father

This is my tribute to the typical American Father, and first off before I get to my tribute let me say that I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking... wait, did you all stop thinking for a moment? You did, didn’t you! You read that I was saying, ‘I know what your thinking', and then you decided to stop thinking for a second so that there was no way for me to say what you’re thinking. In fact I can prove it, and I know what your thinking, you’re thinking (long pause)
Why did he put a (long pause) there? No, I know what you’re thinking, youre thinking, ‘he doesn’t know what I’m thinking?’ No, I know what you’re thinking, you're thinking ‘what’s he going to say next that I’m thinking’. No, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking... you're thinking... you know what? I don’t know what you were thinking. Alright? I don’t know what you were thinking. In fact I have no IDEA what you were thinking. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? You know what? You weren't thinking were you. You weren’t thinking! I proved it, you were not thinking! YOU WEREN’T THINKING! YOU GOTTA START USING YOUR HEAD AND THINKING!!!
And that’s my tribute to the standard american father.

IMPOSTERISATIONS

Who's the genius who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spaces?

I tell you what it's hot today, in fact it's so hot, I said IT'S SO HOT...

It's so hot that when someone says, "Talk to the hand", I do; just for the shade.

It's so hot I saw Lady Gaga wearing practical clothing.

It's so hot I climbed in the oven just to cool off

It's so hot I got B.O. taking a shower

It's so hot I went to 'human centipede' just to get out of the sun.

It's so hot the crazy pigeon lady is only wearing three coats.

It's so hot I saw keith sweat.

It's so hot I saw a hipster wearing skinny jean shorts.

It's so hot I saw a Palestinian schvitzing.

Its so hot even Jack Nicholson had a hard time being cool.

My Almost Mater

Sometimes I regret having the same girlfriend all through college. Because that's one semester I'll never get back.