The 30 Seconds That Got You Fired - Cocaine

The 30 Seconds That Got You Fired - Cocaine: Thirty seconds ago these police officers had jobs.

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CAKE FOR ROOMMATE

This week a giant sinkhole appeared out of nowhere in Mid-Town Manhattan. The city is at a lost to why the sinkhole appeared, although here are some theories:

- Economy so bad, even the streets are depressed.

- Street workers in bright neon green caution vests were running out of stuff to stand and point at.

- Like many other New Yorkers this summer, Manhattan decided it too would hit the streets with an exposed crack.

- Hole actually just publicity stunt for new show ‘The Real Housewives of the Underground Mole People’.

- I guess this city isn’t as ‘constant-heavy-traffic-garbage-and-weird-liquids-flowing-through-the-street’ proof as we thought.

- Hole in city part of mayor’s plan to make New York more ‘aerodynamic’.

- Just a city scar from another epic battle between Godzilla and Snookie.

- This is what happens when you buy one of those cheap knock-off roads in China-Town.

- Hole created to make visitors from New Jersey feel more at home.

- Looks like Jimmy Hoffa finally escaped!

On Friday May 6th 2011, while at the The Improv in Addison Texas, I received a wrong number text message from a person who will be referred to here on out as ‘HIM’. This was our correspondence. Typos have been left in for maximum enjoyment.

8:53pm HIM: “So when. We get paid you get paid lastnight so when do o get paid”

9:02pm HIM: “So you not going to pay me”

9:33pm ME: “I pay u, but its Friday nite, and I gost to spend some of this cheese on skirts and eyewear if Im going to look good for Father”

9:45pm HIM: “What you not pay me”

9:48pm HIM: “Ok i will just call and tell them that the holes is not done right”

9:55pm ME: “The holes were fine, its the solid matter around the holes that were all out of whackadoodle”

10:00pm HIM: “I will call them tomm and tell them that the job is not done right i need to get paid”

10:07pm HIM: “So when do i get paid”

10:12pm ME: “When the time is right, and its ladies night, and everyone is up for getting down.”

10:16pm HIM: “OK i will have the cops there tomm”

10:25pm ME: “Dude, i AM the cops”

10:28pm HIM: “Ok what wver”

10:30pm HIM: “Ok what ever I will put in the news paper not to call you to move homes”

10:32pm ME: “okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay whatever you do don’t put me in a home and tell me not to move newspapers”

10:36pm HIM: “Ok I am asking is when I get paid”

***at this point I decided to start giving HIM hints***

11:28pm ME: “Money is nothing more than numbers man”

11:31pm HIM: I need it to pay my class

11:38pm ME: “You need to get your numbers straight if you’re ever going to get paid”

11:41pm HIM: “What you mind by that”

11:42pm ME: “Mean your own business”

11:45pm ME: “Numbers man, how much I owe u?”

11:45pm HIM: “What”

11:46pm ME: “HOW MUCH I OWE YOU?”

11:48pm HIM: “We worked 3 weeks and i own you 60”

11:50pm ME: “You own where ? With how when ¿ “

11:53pm HIM “What”

11:54pm ME: “U own me 60”

11:56pm HIM: “Yes”

11:59pm HIM: “Ok what you own me for the 3 weeks i worked”

12:04am ME: “I think instead of ‘U own me 60’ u mean ‘owed’. ‘Owed own me 60’

12:08am HIM: “What”

***more hints, the following is my phone number stated as a price***

12:12am ME: “U saying u own me $57,326,825.38”

12:12am HIM: “No”

12:17am ME: “So you’re saying that none of those letters and numbers are right?”

1:10am ME: “Dude, I love that you’re going to school. And I love that you’re working to pay for it. But if you really want to get somewhere in life, you have to get your phone numbers and verbs right.”

***the next day***

8:46am HIM: “So can i get paid today plizs”

9:13am HIM: “So not going to pay me today”

9:18am HIM: “I what to work for you butt i need to get paid so i can pay my bills to i need money to go to court tusday. To fight for my babys. So will you plizs pay me.

11:51am HIM: “So you not going to talk to me today”

3:33pm ME: “Don’t tell me about babies. I USED TO BE A BABY! Listen man, I cant be any more blunt, you’re texting the wrong number”

3:36pm HIM: “Ok see you in court that you do not what to pay me”

3:43pm HIM: “All i was asking is to get paid for the time i worked. And you will not pay me”

3:47pm ME: “Seriously, you have the wrong number. I am some weird guy in Addison Texas.”

3:52pm HIM: “What”

***HIM then called me, I let it go to my voicemail so I could record him, but HIM did not leave a message***

4:52pm ME: “Good luck with everything. Next semester take a class on texting. Thanks for the good time, I own you one.”

This clip tell me three things;

one: There are great plays in Soccer, but only when its foggy.

two: Other countries' announcers love soccer more than United States annoucners have ever loved anything in their life.

three: Sometimes the other team is made up entirely of referees.

Dine and Dash

Audience laughs at Jeff Foxworthy giving practical advice.

I can't believe that other countries hate us.

For anyone who missed Conan's first comedian on his show; John Dore. Pretty great stuff!!!