My New New Year's Resolutions

I might have enjoyed the old Roxbury bits on SNL a little more had they jammed out to different songs. If they did, it might have sounded a little bit something like this...

Turkish Bazaar: I will say though, that if your going to be dishonest, I do appreciated when you're honest about it.

Winter Olympics are around the zzzzzzz...

The winter Olympics are rapidly approaching, and if you're as excited as I am, then you're not very excited. What I do look forward to the most are the quick pieces on the athletes they do to get you suddenly interested in a sport that you had never even heard of moments prior. These athletes overcome such adversity and obstacles just to live a momentary fame that will last until the first round of March Madness when they will then become as forgotten as a password on MySpace. It seems that every other athlete has come back from some horrendous car crash, to compete once again in their sport. It seems to happen so often, that if you yourself ever find yourself in a horrendous car crash, get ready, YOU'RE GOING TO THE OLYMPICS!!! The stories are always so incredible:

Kim Sung was coming home late one night from a practice on a dark and stormy night. As he drove along the windy road, suddenly, out of nowhere...his face exploded.

Doctors said that he would never live again.

But he proved them wrong.

Now, Kim wakes up everyday at 4 in the morning, and runs 300 miles.

Just to get to the workout center.

That he built.

Out of nothing but sticks and a love he has for a family he'll never know.

If they ever did one of those pieces on me, it would sound like:

When Nick Vatterott was in grade school, his teachers told him that he had the potential to become anything...even a brain surgeon.

But he proved them wrong.

Now, Nick wakes up everyday at 4 in the afternoon, just to eat a sandwich.

That belongs to his roomate.

Off of a plastic bag because he's too lazy to wash off a plate with his dish sock. (true story)

The Winter Olympics; 127 events that are all just different ways to go down a snow filled hill.

The Winter Olympics; a time where Scandinavia feels like they matter.

The Winter Olympics; a time where some of the worlds greatest athletes...sit at home and watch the Winter Olympics.

GAS MASK

CHICAGO UNDERGROUND COMEDY: TOBACCO GAS MASKS AS WELL AS THE MOST ADDICTIVE DRUG IN EXISTENCE.

What exactly, DOES it take...to be number one?

ONLY IN NEW YORK

There's an unspoken rule about speaking to strangers in New York. You only do under two circumstances: first is to yell at someone when you don't like what that person is doing, and second is when you comment on a nearby oddity and say, "...only in New York." For instance a few weeks ago I saw a man dressed as Bobba Fett from Star Wars. He was playing the accordian. As I walked past him a stranger made eye contact with me and said, "heh, only in New York."

I admit, I'm guilty of doing the same thing, but I like to do it when I walk past the Empire State Building or Times Square. In fact I make it a point to every morning walk by the Statue of Liberty, stop, and say, "Heh, only in New York" But nobody ever responds. I think it's because to walk by the Statue of Liberty, you have to be under water.

Can you believe that this was the picture that came with my wallet?

I found this picture on the internet, and I have one question; Is covering her eyes, really going to protect this woman's identity?

ALIEN SAXOPHONIST

Upon first moving to New York, I had very cynical feelings towards the fact that a too large percentage of jokes told in the stand-up scene consisted of "Check out this weird thing I saw on the train...". But as redundant of a premise as it is, my thirty day passes have revealed that the subway is consistent fodder for material. While most of America roles home with no nuance other than the occasional deer sighting or car accident, tonight on my commute I met an alien from outer space who plays the saxophone.
A man walked into the train, with a wool hat, with wool antennae, shouted, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am an alien from outer space, sent to your planet, to play the saxophone."
He then proceded to play the saxophone, with the conviction that someone who found a saxophone a couple weeks ago would have. The melody was akin to the noise 8bit Nintendo games made when you ran out of guys and your game was over. Perhaps that was the equivalent of 'Stairway to Heaven' in his galaxy. His 5 second musical number was then repeated over and over until he ran out of breath. With my stop coming up, I decided to interact with our celestial visitor, knowing that it would be awkward and that the Graham stop would save me.
"Excuse me, but are you really an alien?"
"Yes, I am an Extra Tellestial."
"An Extra Tellestial huh?"
"That's right, I'm from Nooden Arenean Lanton."
I loved that his planet, had a middle name.
"Let me ask you something, what does an alien like yourself, want with my 'Earth money'?"
He then thought about it, hard for about thirty seconds, before coming up with
"To buy stuff while I'm on Earth."
"Like souvenirs and stuff? Wow, you know what, what you just said, was perfectly logical, Here's a couple bucks. Of course. You gotta buy stuff while you're on Earth. You know, for a second, I thought you were just crazy."
My Graham stop was approaching, I thought our interaction was over, but he had more.
"Thank you, it is very kind to be kind to a visitor, you will benefit from this, and never see things the same way again."
At this point I prayed to the god of Nooden Arenean Lanton, that that didn't mean he was about to gouge my eyeballs.
"And now I will summon the power of my people and pass a power on to you."
He then concentrated very hard and shot his hand forward as if he was a sorcerer throwing a fire ball. I asked him what power he was giving me, but he was real vague. Something about the secret of the elders. I would have probed more but Graham had arrived, and I was hoping to get out of there before I found out the power he had bestowed upon me, was that I now had bedbugs.
And as I left my intergalatic friend, I realized that that interaction, is the precise reason that I moved to New York; the city of tellestials.