FASHION UPDATE!!!

It's official, pea coats are IN! Poop pants are OUT!

It's that time of year again. The time where the world's eyes are on Vatican City to see whether or not the pope will come out. And as we can see here, yes he did. AND yes he did see his shadow. Which means four extra weeks of lent.

I hung out with Jack Nicholson recently and that dude didn't just get drunk, he got Rip Torn!

LADY GAGA MAY ACTUALLY BE A WOMAN!!!

Scientists report today that Lady Gaga may actually in fact be a 'woman'. Originally researchers believed that Lady Gaga was a mannequin turned singer turned drag queen. But upon recent investigation research has found that being nominated in the female categories at the recent Grammys may actually classify Lady Gaga as actual 'Lady' or what's commonly referred to as a 'woman'. Dr. Simmon of the University of Quashingandrogony stated, 'It's too early to say with any certainty yet, but it seems that (Lady Gaga) may in fact be a female. We will attempt further tests before we commit to either gender with any real certainty. But no matter what sex it turns out Lady Gaga is, it'll never take away from the fact that she has an incredible voice, and a really sweet dick."

This week on 'Dr. Phil', a woman confessed that she had been ignoring her kids and was spending most of her time playing the online facebook game 'Farmville'. Dr. Phil then advised the children that their mother would probably spend more time with them if perhaps they were a little interesting than FUCKING FARMVILLE!!!

10 SIGNS THAT HE'S 'NOT THE ONE'

Hey ladies, are you ever in a relationship, but just not sure if he's 'the one'? Here are 10 tall tale signs that the man you're with now, may not be the man you're meant to be with forever

1. He sits far away in the background without his shirt on, while you pout on the other side of the bed

2. During intimacy he refuses to take of his top hat. Also he wears a top hat for underwear.

3. He keeps calling you 'mother', mostly because he's your son.

4. Every time you ask what he thinks about having kids, he insists you just pay for the pizza because he has other deliveries to make.

5. You and him have tried to get married to each other before and it always ends in divorce. This has happened over 70 times.

6. He calls 'whatever he's wearing' his wife beater.

7. He's what other woman refer to as a 'turtle'. Scientists and zoologists would agree.

8. You come home and find him with another woman; other than the one he normally cheats on you with.

9. Everytime you hug him, he squeaks like a dog's chew toy.

10. His name is Jeff Goldbloom

I did terrible in my Fantasy Foosball this year. How I didn't predict Red playing Blue in the Championship I'll never know.

New Biggest Gust Record

A 253 mph gust in Australia became the fastest recorded wind gust on earth, beating Concord, New Hampshire's previous wind gust record of 231 mph set in 1934. Scot Henley was quoted as saying, "It's obviously a big disappointment."
It's too bad that the locals of Concord will no longer be able to brag about an accomplishment that they themselves never had anything to do with.
The wind gust was recorded on Mt. Washington, home of 'The Old Man', a section of the mountain that resembled a man's face. That face crumbled to bits in 2003. It seems that the glory days of Mt. Washington are behind him. But Scot Henly went on to say, "(Mt. Washington) still can claim to be home to some of the world's worst weather". Yeah, that's a real tourist attraction. Sure its no longer the place where it was the most windy, and the part that kinda looked like a face fell off, but at least its still it's one of the most miserable places on earth to be!

Perhaps my favorite part of the story, is that while this new wind gust is just being reported on now in 2010, the gust itself took place in 1996. And what was Scot's reaction to a 14 year delay on the reporting of such a world changing statistic?

"Somehow it fell through the cracks and the Australians didn't think it was a big deal," he said. "We hear that, and it kind of blows our minds"

Really Australia? Really? you mean to tell me that you measured a gust of wind, and the first thing you did wasn't contact Concord New Hampshire? It's almost as if you're one of the 99.99% of people who don't give a shit.

Im sorry, I kid, I kid. Concord, New Hampshire, I know you have more going on than than just the fact that you lived where it was really windy over 70 years ago. I mean you all know how to party right?

In 1934 When the 231 mph gust was recorded: "Many people have wanted to know what we did after that," McKenzie, One of the weather nerds who watch wind wrote. "Did we cheer or open a bottle of champagne, or what? Well, we didn't do anything special for a while, except make more measurements."

No regrets. Measure as much as you can while you're still young, That's what I say.

My New New Year's Resolutions

I might have enjoyed the old Roxbury bits on SNL a little more had they jammed out to different songs. If they did, it might have sounded a little bit something like this...