MUST NOT BE A VERY GOOD ONE

Sometimes in the hustle and the bustle of the big city, i forget to look up and really notice all the tall buildings. Man... they sure are ugly.

My tribute to the standard american father

This is my tribute to the typical American Father, and first off before I get to my tribute let me say that I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking... wait, did you all stop thinking for a moment? You did, didn’t you! You read that I was saying, ‘I know what your thinking', and then you decided to stop thinking for a second so that there was no way for me to say what you’re thinking. In fact I can prove it, and I know what your thinking, you’re thinking (long pause)
Why did he put a (long pause) there? No, I know what you’re thinking, youre thinking, ‘he doesn’t know what I’m thinking?’ No, I know what you’re thinking, you're thinking ‘what’s he going to say next that I’m thinking’. No, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking... you're thinking... you know what? I don’t know what you were thinking. Alright? I don’t know what you were thinking. In fact I have no IDEA what you were thinking. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? You know what? You weren't thinking were you. You weren’t thinking! I proved it, you were not thinking! YOU WEREN’T THINKING! YOU GOTTA START USING YOUR HEAD AND THINKING!!!
And that’s my tribute to the standard american father.

IMPOSTERISATIONS

Who's the genius who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spaces?

I tell you what it's hot today, in fact it's so hot, I said IT'S SO HOT...

It's so hot that when someone says, "Talk to the hand", I do; just for the shade.

It's so hot I saw Lady Gaga wearing practical clothing.

It's so hot I climbed in the oven just to cool off

It's so hot I got B.O. taking a shower

It's so hot I went to 'human centipede' just to get out of the sun.

It's so hot the crazy pigeon lady is only wearing three coats.

It's so hot I saw keith sweat.

It's so hot I saw a hipster wearing skinny jean shorts.

It's so hot I saw a Palestinian schvitzing.

Its so hot even Jack Nicholson had a hard time being cool.

My Almost Mater

Sometimes I regret having the same girlfriend all through college. Because that's one semester I'll never get back.

I was suppose to post this an hour ago

The one thing that you can generally bank on showing up right before I do at any engagement, is my own tardiness. “Better late then pregnant” is what I say to break the tension of making people wait for me. I used to say that if I had been born twenty minutes earlier, I’d always be on time. But the truth is I always try to cram in something that I don’t have time for. The only thing worse than being late are the terrible excuses people have for being late. Nobody is ever honest about why they’re late, this is always the reason:

“Hey sorry I’m late, traffic was terrible.”

It would be refreshing to hear someone say why they were really late for once.

“Hey sorry I’m late, I was in the shower singing for way longer than I probably should have been, and then when I got out of the shower, I put on the song that I was singing and started dancing to the song around my apartment. And then I was like, ‘I gotta get going’. But then went to check my e-mail real quick, and then after that I checked my facebook, and saw that someone had posted a video of someone having a hard time parking their car. So then I watched videos of people parking badly for twenty minutes. Then I was like, ‘I gotta get going!’ So I started to walk out the door, and then realized I couldn’t find my keys. So I started to look for my keys and then came across a box of pictures of my old college girlfriend, so I sat down and looked at all the pictures before sitting in silence for 5 minutes pondering if it was my fault we split, and what my life would be like now if we were still together. I then thought about that one party where people kept knocking on the door while we were hooking up in the BATHROOM THAT’S WHERE I LEFT THE KEYS!!! SO I grab the keys, take off, and realize that I’m already about 35 minutes late, so what’s 5 more minutes and stopped off for a cup of coffee. Then, as I was getting back on the highway, I came across a little bit of congestion for about quarter mile which I then decided I would use as the reason for why I was late.”

Northern Exposition

I just finished writing the Great Canadian Novel. It's a lot like the Great American Novel, but instead of $13.99 it costs $18.50.