I will be moving my oodlesofpun blog from eblog to tumblr. Thank you all for following. The oodlesofpun blog will now be on tumblr until the next new internet phenomenon arises in three weeks.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
This week a giant sinkhole appeared out of nowhere in Mid-Town Manhattan. The city is at a lost to why the sinkhole appeared, although here are some theories:
- Economy so bad, even the streets are depressed.
- Street workers in bright neon green caution vests were running out of stuff to stand and point at.
- Like many other New Yorkers this summer, Manhattan decided it too would hit the streets with an exposed crack.
- Hole actually just publicity stunt for new show ‘The Real Housewives of the Underground Mole People’.
- I guess this city isn’t as ‘constant-heavy-traffic-garbage-and-weird-liquids-flowing-through-the-street’ proof as we thought.
- Hole in city part of mayor’s plan to make New York more ‘aerodynamic’.
- Just a city scar from another epic battle between Godzilla and Snookie.
- This is what happens when you buy one of those cheap knock-off roads in China-Town.
- Hole created to make visitors from New Jersey feel more at home.
- Looks like Jimmy Hoffa finally escaped!
Monday, May 16, 2011
On Friday May 6th 2011, while at the The Improv in Addison Texas, I received a wrong number text message from a person who will be referred to here on out as ‘HIM’. This was our correspondence. Typos have been left in for maximum enjoyment.
8:53pm HIM: “So when. We get paid you get paid lastnight so when do o get paid”
9:02pm HIM: “So you not going to pay me”
9:33pm ME: “I pay u, but its Friday nite, and I gost to spend some of this cheese on skirts and eyewear if Im going to look good for Father”
9:45pm HIM: “What you not pay me”
9:48pm HIM: “Ok i will just call and tell them that the holes is not done right”
9:55pm ME: “The holes were fine, its the solid matter around the holes that were all out of whackadoodle”
10:00pm HIM: “I will call them tomm and tell them that the job is not done right i need to get paid”
10:07pm HIM: “So when do i get paid”
10:12pm ME: “When the time is right, and its ladies night, and everyone is up for getting down.”
10:16pm HIM: “OK i will have the cops there tomm”
10:25pm ME: “Dude, i AM the cops”
10:28pm HIM: “Ok what wver”
10:30pm HIM: “Ok what ever I will put in the news paper not to call you to move homes”
10:32pm ME: “okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay whatever you do don’t put me in a home and tell me not to move newspapers”
10:36pm HIM: “Ok I am asking is when I get paid”
***at this point I decided to start giving HIM hints***
11:28pm ME: “Money is nothing more than numbers man”
11:31pm HIM: I need it to pay my class
11:38pm ME: “You need to get your numbers straight if you’re ever going to get paid”
11:41pm HIM: “What you mind by that”
11:42pm ME: “Mean your own business”
11:45pm ME: “Numbers man, how much I owe u?”
11:45pm HIM: “What”
11:46pm ME: “HOW MUCH I OWE YOU?”
11:48pm HIM: “We worked 3 weeks and i own you 60”
11:50pm ME: “You own where ? With how when ¿ “
11:53pm HIM “What”
11:54pm ME: “U own me 60”
11:56pm HIM: “Yes”
11:59pm HIM: “Ok what you own me for the 3 weeks i worked”
12:04am ME: “I think instead of ‘U own me 60’ u mean ‘owed’. ‘Owed own me 60’
12:08am HIM: “What”
***more hints, the following is my phone number stated as a price***
12:12am ME: “U saying u own me $57,326,825.38”
12:12am HIM: “No”
12:17am ME: “So you’re saying that none of those letters and numbers are right?”
1:10am ME: “Dude, I love that you’re going to school. And I love that you’re working to pay for it. But if you really want to get somewhere in life, you have to get your phone numbers and verbs right.”
***the next day***
8:46am HIM: “So can i get paid today plizs”
9:13am HIM: “So not going to pay me today”
9:18am HIM: “I what to work for you butt i need to get paid so i can pay my bills to i need money to go to court tusday. To fight for my babys. So will you plizs pay me.
11:51am HIM: “So you not going to talk to me today”
3:33pm ME: “Don’t tell me about babies. I USED TO BE A BABY! Listen man, I cant be any more blunt, you’re texting the wrong number”
3:36pm HIM: “Ok see you in court that you do not what to pay me”
3:43pm HIM: “All i was asking is to get paid for the time i worked. And you will not pay me”
3:47pm ME: “Seriously, you have the wrong number. I am some weird guy in Addison Texas.”
3:52pm HIM: “What”
***HIM then called me, I let it go to my voicemail so I could record him, but HIM did not leave a message***
4:52pm ME: “Good luck with everything. Next semester take a class on texting. Thanks for the good time, I own you one.”