Thursday, September 30, 2010

I asked my doctor why I was breaking out. He said it was because I had started a new dance sensation and a song that was sweeping the nation.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I Heard That Her Cocky Walk Gave Her Away

A woman in Spartanburg South Carolina was caught stealing two vibrators from Spencer's Gifts.

When caught, the store owner berated the thief by saying, "You shoplifters are the worst! You are the lowest form of humanity! You can go fuck yourself!"

To which the woman replied, "I was trying to, why do you think I stole the vibrators!"

My favorite part of this is the mug shot. Because it's a mugshot that tells you that she got caught stealing, then starting crying which caused her mascara to run all down her face. Yet still at the time of the photo you can tell that she tried to smile just a little bit to look pretty.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Knives on the Brain

This past week a man in Brazil had a 4 inch knife removed from his head after it had been there for over three years as a result of a disagreement at a bar. I can only assume the disagreement was whether or not the knife should be stuck in the victim's head. The knife apparently took out the part of the brain that gives people the urgency to get knives out of their brain. I guess when things get tough, we have to stop and say to ourselves, 'Yeah, there is way too much toffee in this mochichino, but at least I don't have a knife stuck in my brain.'

Monday, September 27, 2010

Friday, September 24, 2010

The Sine of a Gud Skool

Yeah. There used to be 16 great things, but the government cut off money to the english department. If you think the above sign is bad, it doesn't end there. I went and read the 15 great things about their school system and the top 5 were:

5. Lots of teachers on hand- Job training
4. We will help you fill interns openings
3. Great Study a Broad Program
2. Get the tranny you deserve
1. Lots of weird dicks everywhere

Thursday, September 23, 2010


The predictive text on Google's search engine gives a window into the questions the world is wondering along with you. If you type in 'what is' Google's top predictive suggestions are, 'what is love', 'what is lupus', and 'what is 3G'. The three questions that have plagued man since the beginning of time.

I type in 'where' and the top suggestions are 'where is Chuck Norris', 'where am I', and 'where is my mind'. Now we all know that 'where is Chuck Norris' is asked by most everyone on a daily basis, but 'where am I' and 'where is my mind', represent the section of the human population that has run out of options and is now seeking Google's guidance for such vague inquisitions. When I type 'what am' it's revealed that Google is not just for finding actors' names and restaurant Groupons. We also look to Google for existential answers and general life guidance. The search 'what am' leads to 'what am doing here', 'what am I doing with my life' and 'what am I worth'.

When people pray for guidance, they hope to get an answer in the form of a sign, a sort of mental clarity, or some other 'mysterious way'. When one asks Google for guidance, they get about 507,000,000 results in 0.36 seconds. And who can really blame anyone who feels like they're run out of options, to see if Google holds the answers. You're depressed, you have a question weighing on your mind, and even though you know that there is no rational reason to do it, you look up at that little box in the corner, glance side to side, and ask Google a life question such as 'Why am I such a failure?'. Thousands of people have done this. I know this because when I typed in 'Why am I s', 'Why am I such a failure' was one of the top suggestions. When anyone asks Google why they are such a failure, I feel that Google's response should be, 'Because you're the type of person that gets advice from Google'.

But what if Google does hold the answers. I ask Google the big questions and see what I get.

1. Dear Google, 'Is there such a thing as true love?'

Google responds with a link where THE ALMIGHTY KEVIN has a question answered about love by OUTLAWPRINCESS5321. First of all, with a name like THE ALMIGHTY KEVIN, you don't even need to ask a question for me to know what your relationship problems are. And OUTLAWPRINCESS5321, I have two problems with your name, neither of which have to do with 5, 3, 2 or 1.

A guy who thinks he's king getting love advice from someone who thinks they're a bad ass princess. I move on.

2. Dear Google, 'What's the secret to happiness?'

Google responds with a anonymous post, "Happiness is not found by appreciating what you have but by ridding yourself of what you have."

This is so true, because we all know how happy homeless people look.

3. Dear Google, 'Why do bad things happen to good people?'

Google responds with a message from the bible saying, "there are no good people'.

Phew! It's comforting to know that there is no such thing as tragedy, only 'just desserts'.

4. Dear Google, 'What is the meaning of life?'

Google responds:

I think that is pretty self-explanatory.

5. And finally, I asked the be-all and end-all question; Dear Google, 'What's the point of it all?

Google responds with, "What's the point of pubic hair?"

Sometimes the answer to a question, lies in another question.

There were two words that I entered at one point in my searches that opened up a whole new world of google 'suggestionology'. The words 'Why can't' triggered 'Why Can't I Own a Canadian?'

I seemed to have missed the zeitgeist on this, but this became one of the top suggestions for 'why can't' because of a satirical letter towards Dr. Laura Schlessinger a few years ago. Which you can see here

or read below.

October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

So is Google god? This isn't the first time the search engine has been likened to an all knowing entity. When we look back at Isaac Asimov's 'The Last Question', we find his 1956 short story as possibly yet another sci-fi tale predicting the future of humanity. ( It's a pretty great read, and after reading it check this Is Google god? Or is Google just a mere psychic, or psychiatrist that has all the answers? Maybe that's something we should ask Google.

By the way, in case you were wondering, I couldn't help but ask Google, 'Where is Chuck Norris?' and Google gave me this response:

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

Your search - Chuck Norris - did not match any documents.


* Run, before he finds you
* Try a different person

Google Home - Advertising Programmes - About Google
This page has no affiliation with Google
Created by Arran Schlosberg

(here's the link:

Monday, September 20, 2010

Mt. head "Atama Yama"

This film was a 2003 Acadamy Award nominee and can be found on volume one of Mike Judge and Don Hertzfeldt's collection of animated shorts called 'The Animation Show'. There are at least ten cities it's intensity is in.

Friday, September 17, 2010

I just found out that nine out of eight people fail Statistics in college.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

There's something I need to get off my chest. I told a lie today. I said that I 'liked' something on Facebook. But that was bullshit. I was just yanking their chain. I never meant for things to get this out of hand.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


This is a blobfish, rarely seen by humans. It's found at the deepest depths of the ocean. We know that this fish lives in the deepest parts of the ocean by the incredibly bored look on it's face.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Life is an uphill battle, after that, everything is downhill.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Crazy About Politics

The Most Amazing part of this is that he has a masters degree in "Communication".

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The Economy and Our Nation

Poor C and C haven't been able to find work ever since they shut down the music factory.

Friday, September 3, 2010

There's Never Enough Earths

A new study states that the earth may be on a path towards a mass extinction that would be worse than the last mass extinction that took place 250 million years ago that wiped out the dinosaurs. While many forms of life were able to live through the last mass extinction, the next one would be so devastating that few life forms would be able to survive. Fertilizers, pesticides, pollution and deforestation are the main causes prompting an unprecedented alteration in the ecosystem.

As I read the internet article regarding mass extinction, I thought to myself; maybe there's hope though. Maybe humans will have the foresight to not upset the delicate balance of the only planet that we know of that has perfect environment to breed life. I believe that we can do this, I believe in the human race!

I believed in the human race all the way until I got to the bottom of the article and saw that a number of people decided to 'like' mass extinction.

Earth. Hey... it was fun while it lasted.

Thursday, September 2, 2010


When is the NFL going to start cutting down on 'Performance Enhancing Prayers' ?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Vintage Steve Martin

The Original Prop Comic. Watching the audience react to an unknown Steve Martin is pretty amazing. And by the way, if you have never heard a Steve Martin Stand-up album, treat yourself to what exactly it was, that made him who he is.