Monday, March 29, 2010

Sunday, March 28, 2010


There is nothing more romantic than letting that special someone at last call know, that you want to fuck them like an animal. But is fucking someone like an animal, all that it's cracked up to be? EWE DECIDE!

Pandas are such lazy animals that the males have a hard time even getting motivated to have sex. But recently zookeepers have found success in getting the pandas 'randy' by showing them 'Panda Porn'. And what is the number one favorite porno amongst the bears? You guessed it: 'Whamboo, Bamboo, thank you Mamboo'!

When male hippos court the opposite sex, they do so by defecating and flicking thier tail around to spread their feces in the sexiest way that they know how. The female hippo finds this move attactive and next is a game of horny horny hippo. I guess hippos are a lot like frat dudes; they can only get laid if they get a girl shitfaced.

The Female Hyenas not only have balls, but a clitoris the size of a dick. The male hyena then uses his dick to have sex with the female's dick. That's right; female hyenas have balls and dick. They also have a fur coat, deep voices and can be seen in West Hollywood snapping and calling people 'bitch'.

The Frigate Bird can inflate its red neck. Whoever has the biggest red neck, is the Brad Pit of a bunch of rednecks. If you have a small red neck; you're out. No chance. Not getting laid. EVER!

"Yeah, I got small red neck, I know it is the only thing we have that differentiates us. and I have the least attractive one...out where every EVERYBODY can see it, ALL THE TIME!!! know, I wear it proudly...uh geez...YES! I know, the red part on my neck is not as big as everyone elses! WHAT DOES THAT MATTER? I mean really, it's not even our genitalia, who cares? I give good BEAK!!!! DOESN'T THAT ACCOUNT FOR ANYTHING!!!!"

As the frigate bird with the biggest red neck begins copulation with his soulmate, he covers her eyes, in case a bird with a larger spot on it's chest walks by; she won't leave him for the new bird. Hey Frigate Bird, I feel for you buddy. I understand why you do it, because we've all had that one relationship, that one where after it was over you say to yourself, "If only I only I would have covered her eyes! She would still be with me if only I had COVERED HER EYES! NONE of this would have happened, if only I had blocked her sight. That's what I get for letting her see stuff! We'd still be married if only that one time I would have OBSCURED HER VISION!"

Macaque monkeys attack their enemies, during their orgasm. That's a pretty bizarre, vengeful enemy.

"Call me a 'weirdo' huh? Right in front of everybody? Just you wait, Im gona get you back, right when you CUM!"

The monkeys are also known to use fruit for bartering, to see each others' privates.

FIRST MONKEY: "Um excuse me, but if I give you some bullshit apple, will you show me your vagina?"
OTHER MONKEY: "What sort of monkey do you take me for...wait, did you say, 'some bullshit apple'? YES, I mean, I have my pride, but we're talking about a produce that is incredibly plentiful in our habitat! One apple for one unit of monkey vagina ogling coming right up!"

So we all know that it takes the average male dolphin 12 second to have sex. Which is weird to know that it sometimes takes longer to fart, than it takes dolphins to make a baby. I think that we should use it as a measure of time.

"...I'm almost home, I'll be there in three dolphin fucks."
"...Quit knocking! I'll be out of the bathroom in a dolphin fuck!"

But did we know that dolphins can retract their penis? Now if we had that ability I think the smuggling trade would have some more options. Como se dice...sir are you hiding anything in your reverse dick?

Banana Slugs are hermpherdites that can self fertilize. So, as a matter of fact, they actually can go fuck themselves! Sometimes a banana slugs' penis (which by the way is roughly the same size as the banana slug) get stuck inside another banana slug. If this happens and the slugs can't break free, one of the slugs will then chew off his own, or the other's penis so that they can seperate; or what the layman commonly refers to as 'apophallation'. WAIT! There's a word for that? That's right, the process of a banana slug chewing off somebody elses penis because they got their dick stuck in a vagina; is called 'apophallation'. The english language doesn't have a word for 'deja vu', but we have a word for when banana slugs get their dicks stuck in each other, and have to chew it off. Now normally when I learn a new word, I like to use it sometime within the next week. But I don't know, under what context, I will EVER be able to use the word 'apophallation'. Unless maybe I lie:

ME: "Hey boss, I just wanted to let you know, I had apophallation at the house, that's why I was late, so...but just wanted to let you know that's why I'm running a little behind today."

Although that would be awful if I got called out on it.

BOSS: "You mean to tell me, that the reason that you are late, is because you got your dick stuck in some banana slug's vagina, and it had to chew your dick off to get free?"

I dig myself deeper...

ME: It was actually the other way around...HIS dick in MY vagina.

One species of octopus has a penis that detaches to impregnate the female. That's all I need, for my penis to be detachable; with as often as I lose shit.

ME RANSACKING MY HOUSE FOR MY DICK: "Hey. I can't find my dick, will someone call it for me? You know I do this shit all the time....let's see, remember having it in the shower... damn, where,'s my passport, that's cool...but here the hell is my....I keep saying, 'Im going to start keeping it in the same place...Why I ever even take the thing off is beyond me!"

Straw Itch Mites have sex with their brothers and sisters at an alarming rate. Straw Itch Mites can be found in wet straw, thick carpeting and working at most Cracker Barrels.

The male wasp spider inserts it's genitalia inside the female, and then breaks part of it off and uses it as a cork to make sure his semen inseminates the female. That's a conversation you'll never hear human dudes say.

WASP SPIDER GARY "Hey man, I heard you broke your dick off in that chick?"

WASP SPIDER PHIL "Yeah, but the good news is though, she is DEFINATELY getting pregnant.




Nick Vatterott's one man show

situations that eternally encircle
themselves and a cast of characters
each caught in their own perpetual
search for escape.

Thursday, March 25, 2010


Today I just bought some hip pants. I also bought a shoulder shirt and a head hat.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

A Treebute

Yesterday a tree in my front yard died. So today I planted a tree in it's memory.

Monday, March 15, 2010


Yo Yo Ma so fat, he plays his cello like a violin.

Yo Yo Ma so rich, he can afford two first names.

Yo Yo Ma so prolific, he makes George Philip Telemann feel lazy.

Yo Yo Ma so classical, his mole wears a powdered wig.

Yo Yo Ma so ugly, he made George Harrison's guitar gently weep.

Yo Yo Ma so stupid, he thought Beethoven's 'Movement 2 from symphony number 7' was about poop.

Yo Yo Ma so prodigy, they called him firestarter, twisted firestarter.

Yo Yo Ma so lonely, his only friend is Phil Harmonic.

Yo Yo Ma so stanky, they gotta spray Right Guard on his orchestra pits.

Yo Yo Ma so vaudeville for Mozart, he once said, '...Requiem Mass in D Minor, Damn near Killedium Mass in D Minor!"

Friday, March 12, 2010


Geneticists are studying John Wong to find out what in his DNA led him to become an Asian Albino. The hopes are that they will soon learn how something so white can be so Wong.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Man Marries Pillow

This week in South Korea, 28 year old Jin Gyu married dakimakua; a life size pillow bearing the image of a popular japanese anime character. I guess pillows are a lot like chicks; they're soft, you can make a fort out of 'em, and if you don't take care of them their feathers fall out.

Thursday, March 4, 2010


Quarters with Barrack Obama's picture on it have been turning up in many banks and businesses all over the country. The coins are apparently from a 2009 inauguration promotion. People who had ordered the presidential currency have said that while they were originally excited to get an Obama quarter, it wasn't exactly the change they had been promised.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


This week while visiting his dermatologist, Jesus's doctor noticed a liver spot on the back of Jesus that resembled Jesus. 'It's a miracle!' nurses of the local hospital exclaimed. Every year dozens of images that resemble the son of god are found in pancakes, waffles, toast, grapefruits, rocks, pieces of wood, but this was the first ever reported liver spot. Jesus himself said he noticed a resemblance, but said he personally thought the liver spot looked more like Val Kilmer.
'You know, like early Val Kilmer, before he got fat in the face.'
The doctor who discovered the liver spot (which as pictured above is seven liver spots down from the top and fourteen liver spots from the left) said he first became aware of the miraculous blemish when he noticed that a liver spot had disappeared, and then came back three days later.

Monkey Goes To Rehab

A monkey in a zoo in Rostov Russia has picked up drinking and smoking from zoo visitors. The monkey is now being sent to rehabilitation since his new habits are causing aggression between him and the rest of the animals. Hmm, what's the name of a silly looking creature who's bizarre behavior causes problems amongst the monkees? How about Koko Ono?