It’s 1 a.m.. I’ve already muscled my way through the biggest headache of the evening which consists of coordinating a group of completely drunk people to leave a parking lot and agree on a singular place to meet up. We walk into the trendy club; hip looking cat behind the bar, a half dozen rocker looking patrons on over-plush amenities strewn through the art-deco establishment, DJ mixing together two different esoteric melodies together. I would have hated the place if I was in New York, but since I was in Kansas City I found the place incredibly charming. It was the end of a long weekend. I was super beat and with an early flight the next morning I wanted nothing more than to chill for about an hour with some buddies in the purple lit ambiance before turning in. After about a half an hour of hanging out in the basically empty, chill environment, some friend of a friend I met only an hour prior says, “Dude, we’re getting out of here and heading to some place more HAPPEN’N!”
“I beg your pardon”, I royally retorted.
“Dude, I an SO SORRY that we brought you here, we’re going to head some where that is straight up JUMP’N!”
This is what I don’t understand. I have a drink. I’m hanging with the people that I want to hang with. There is for the most part nobody else in the bar. I asked him, “What makes this other place so ‘happening’?”
He says, “There’s tons of people there!”
Why is that an attractive attribute? I say, “But I’m not going to talk to any of those people. I can not talk to those people here and not have to go anywhere.”
“But there are TONS of PEOPLE DUDE!!!!”
REALLY?!?! Tons of fucking people that I don’t give a shit about?!?!? This is what I don’t understand; in the past I’ve gone out with friends of mine, with their wives, and their wives want to go to some place that is packed and hard to get into. WHY?!
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is the FUCKING POINT? You don’t know any of those people. You don’t even like any of those people. All you do when you get there is make fun of what the other people look like, and bitch about the weird interaction that you have in the bathroom, complain about how it’s impossible to get a beer, not shut up about how sweaty everyone is, the vomit that you stepped in on the dance floor, the cigarette burn that you got on your “going out clothes”, the “date rape cheer” that emits every time the “shots” song comes on, and how every guy in there hits on you even though that’s exactly what you wanted to have happen when you dressed like you did. You’re married. You are there with the person that you married, so you’re not there to hook up. A couple; given the choice between an empty bar and one that’s full, want to go to the full one, even though they won’t interact with one single person in that bar if they don’t have to. What’s the fucking point of being drawn to a place where you have no intention of interacting with the people there? The answer: To make yourself feel like you’re really making the most of the night. You know what makes me want to see what a high velocity bullet tastes like? When that Black Eyed Piss song comes on about how “Tonight’s going to be a good night”. And everyone starts singing the song like they actually believe what the lyrics are saying. Ima be Ima be Ima be tell'n you sump'n: It’s not going to be a good night. Tonight’s going to be like every other night. In fact those should be the lyrics:
Tonight’s the night
we sit around
And watch the game
Till about ten
Then we go out
It’s kinda lame
We’re at some bar
Watching the game
I know I’ll spill beer on my jeans
Throw up in my mouth; lose my cell phone and keys
Kelly is mad at debra and won’t let it go
I ask the cabby to stop by white castle on the way home
I walk in to a plate glass door
And then I do it again
I will say though that no matter how lame the night gets, at least the people that you are partying with are not the people in this video by 'The Sweet'. I've never seen a more awkward group assmebled in my life. They all look like people trying to figure out how their bodies work, the ol' aliens pretending to be human game, not one person in this music video can dance. Not even the black people that they seemed to have stuck in the corner with the front man for AC/DC. One fun thing to do is to try to figure out who is the most awkward and who has the deadest stare in their eyes. Mozoltov Black Eyed Peas, Mozoltov indeed!
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