This week on 'Dr. Phil', a woman confessed that she had been ignoring her kids and was spending most of her time playing the online facebook game 'Farmville'. Dr. Phil then advised the children that their mother would probably spend more time with them if perhaps they were a little interesting than FUCKING FARMVILLE!!!

10 SIGNS THAT HE'S 'NOT THE ONE'

Hey ladies, are you ever in a relationship, but just not sure if he's 'the one'? Here are 10 tall tale signs that the man you're with now, may not be the man you're meant to be with forever

1. He sits far away in the background without his shirt on, while you pout on the other side of the bed

2. During intimacy he refuses to take of his top hat. Also he wears a top hat for underwear.

3. He keeps calling you 'mother', mostly because he's your son.

4. Every time you ask what he thinks about having kids, he insists you just pay for the pizza because he has other deliveries to make.

5. You and him have tried to get married to each other before and it always ends in divorce. This has happened over 70 times.

6. He calls 'whatever he's wearing' his wife beater.

7. He's what other woman refer to as a 'turtle'. Scientists and zoologists would agree.

8. You come home and find him with another woman; other than the one he normally cheats on you with.

9. Everytime you hug him, he squeaks like a dog's chew toy.

10. His name is Jeff Goldbloom

I did terrible in my Fantasy Foosball this year. How I didn't predict Red playing Blue in the Championship I'll never know.

New Biggest Gust Record

A 253 mph gust in Australia became the fastest recorded wind gust on earth, beating Concord, New Hampshire's previous wind gust record of 231 mph set in 1934. Scot Henley was quoted as saying, "It's obviously a big disappointment."
It's too bad that the locals of Concord will no longer be able to brag about an accomplishment that they themselves never had anything to do with.
The wind gust was recorded on Mt. Washington, home of 'The Old Man', a section of the mountain that resembled a man's face. That face crumbled to bits in 2003. It seems that the glory days of Mt. Washington are behind him. But Scot Henly went on to say, "(Mt. Washington) still can claim to be home to some of the world's worst weather". Yeah, that's a real tourist attraction. Sure its no longer the place where it was the most windy, and the part that kinda looked like a face fell off, but at least its still it's one of the most miserable places on earth to be!

Perhaps my favorite part of the story, is that while this new wind gust is just being reported on now in 2010, the gust itself took place in 1996. And what was Scot's reaction to a 14 year delay on the reporting of such a world changing statistic?

"Somehow it fell through the cracks and the Australians didn't think it was a big deal," he said. "We hear that, and it kind of blows our minds"

Really Australia? Really? you mean to tell me that you measured a gust of wind, and the first thing you did wasn't contact Concord New Hampshire? It's almost as if you're one of the 99.99% of people who don't give a shit.

Im sorry, I kid, I kid. Concord, New Hampshire, I know you have more going on than than just the fact that you lived where it was really windy over 70 years ago. I mean you all know how to party right?

In 1934 When the 231 mph gust was recorded: "Many people have wanted to know what we did after that," McKenzie, One of the weather nerds who watch wind wrote. "Did we cheer or open a bottle of champagne, or what? Well, we didn't do anything special for a while, except make more measurements."

No regrets. Measure as much as you can while you're still young, That's what I say.

My New New Year's Resolutions

I might have enjoyed the old Roxbury bits on SNL a little more had they jammed out to different songs. If they did, it might have sounded a little bit something like this...

Turkish Bazaar: I will say though, that if your going to be dishonest, I do appreciated when you're honest about it.

Winter Olympics are around the zzzzzzz...

The winter Olympics are rapidly approaching, and if you're as excited as I am, then you're not very excited. What I do look forward to the most are the quick pieces on the athletes they do to get you suddenly interested in a sport that you had never even heard of moments prior. These athletes overcome such adversity and obstacles just to live a momentary fame that will last until the first round of March Madness when they will then become as forgotten as a password on MySpace. It seems that every other athlete has come back from some horrendous car crash, to compete once again in their sport. It seems to happen so often, that if you yourself ever find yourself in a horrendous car crash, get ready, YOU'RE GOING TO THE OLYMPICS!!! The stories are always so incredible:

Kim Sung was coming home late one night from a practice on a dark and stormy night. As he drove along the windy road, suddenly, out of nowhere...his face exploded.

Doctors said that he would never live again.

But he proved them wrong.

Now, Kim wakes up everyday at 4 in the morning, and runs 300 miles.

Just to get to the workout center.

That he built.

Out of nothing but sticks and a love he has for a family he'll never know.

If they ever did one of those pieces on me, it would sound like:

When Nick Vatterott was in grade school, his teachers told him that he had the potential to become anything...even a brain surgeon.

But he proved them wrong.

Now, Nick wakes up everyday at 4 in the afternoon, just to eat a sandwich.

That belongs to his roomate.

Off of a plastic bag because he's too lazy to wash off a plate with his dish sock. (true story)

The Winter Olympics; 127 events that are all just different ways to go down a snow filled hill.

The Winter Olympics; a time where Scandinavia feels like they matter.

The Winter Olympics; a time where some of the worlds greatest athletes...sit at home and watch the Winter Olympics.

GAS MASK

CHICAGO UNDERGROUND COMEDY: TOBACCO GAS MASKS AS WELL AS THE MOST ADDICTIVE DRUG IN EXISTENCE.