I was suppose to post this an hour ago

The one thing that you can generally bank on showing up right before I do at any engagement, is my own tardiness. “Better late then pregnant” is what I say to break the tension of making people wait for me. I used to say that if I had been born twenty minutes earlier, I’d always be on time. But the truth is I always try to cram in something that I don’t have time for. The only thing worse than being late are the terrible excuses people have for being late. Nobody is ever honest about why they’re late, this is always the reason:

“Hey sorry I’m late, traffic was terrible.”

It would be refreshing to hear someone say why they were really late for once.

“Hey sorry I’m late, I was in the shower singing for way longer than I probably should have been, and then when I got out of the shower, I put on the song that I was singing and started dancing to the song around my apartment. And then I was like, ‘I gotta get going’. But then went to check my e-mail real quick, and then after that I checked my facebook, and saw that someone had posted a video of someone having a hard time parking their car. So then I watched videos of people parking badly for twenty minutes. Then I was like, ‘I gotta get going!’ So I started to walk out the door, and then realized I couldn’t find my keys. So I started to look for my keys and then came across a box of pictures of my old college girlfriend, so I sat down and looked at all the pictures before sitting in silence for 5 minutes pondering if it was my fault we split, and what my life would be like now if we were still together. I then thought about that one party where people kept knocking on the door while we were hooking up in the BATHROOM THAT’S WHERE I LEFT THE KEYS!!! SO I grab the keys, take off, and realize that I’m already about 35 minutes late, so what’s 5 more minutes and stopped off for a cup of coffee. Then, as I was getting back on the highway, I came across a little bit of congestion for about quarter mile which I then decided I would use as the reason for why I was late.”