I type in 'where' and the top suggestions are 'where is Chuck Norris', 'where am I', and 'where is my mind'. Now we all know that 'where is Chuck Norris' is asked by most everyone on a daily basis, but 'where am I' and 'where is my mind', represent the section of the human population that has run out of options and is now seeking Google's guidance for such vague inquisitions. When I type 'what am' it's revealed that Google is not just for finding actors' names and restaurant Groupons. We also look to Google for existential answers and general life guidance. The search 'what am' leads to 'what am doing here', 'what am I doing with my life' and 'what am I worth'.
When people pray for guidance, they hope to get an answer in the form of a sign, a sort of mental clarity, or some other 'mysterious way'. When one asks Google for guidance, they get about 507,000,000 results in 0.36 seconds. And who can really blame anyone who feels like they're run out of options, to see if Google holds the answers. You're depressed, you have a question weighing on your mind, and even though you know that there is no rational reason to do it, you look up at that little box in the corner, glance side to side, and ask Google a life question such as 'Why am I such a failure?'. Thousands of people have done this. I know this because when I typed in 'Why am I s', 'Why am I such a failure' was one of the top suggestions. When anyone asks Google why they are such a failure, I feel that Google's response should be, 'Because you're the type of person that gets advice from Google'.
But what if Google does hold the answers. I ask Google the big questions and see what I get.
1. Dear Google, 'Is there such a thing as true love?'
Google responds with a link where THE ALMIGHTY KEVIN has a question answered about love by OUTLAWPRINCESS5321. First of all, with a name like THE ALMIGHTY KEVIN, you don't even need to ask a question for me to know what your relationship problems are. And OUTLAWPRINCESS5321, I have two problems with your name, neither of which have to do with 5, 3, 2 or 1.
A guy who thinks he's king getting love advice from someone who thinks they're a bad ass princess. I move on.
2. Dear Google, 'What's the secret to happiness?'
Google responds with a anonymous post, "Happiness is not found by appreciating what you have but by ridding yourself of what you have."
This is so true, because we all know how happy homeless people look.
3. Dear Google, 'Why do bad things happen to good people?'
Google responds with a message from the bible saying, "there are no good people'.
Phew! It's comforting to know that there is no such thing as tragedy, only 'just desserts'.
4. Dear Google, 'What is the meaning of life?'
Google responds:
I think that is pretty self-explanatory.
5. And finally, I asked the be-all and end-all question; Dear Google, 'What's the point of it all?
Google responds with, "What's the point of pubic hair?"
Sometimes the answer to a question, lies in another question.
There were two words that I entered at one point in my searches that opened up a whole new world of google 'suggestionology'. The words 'Why can't' triggered 'Why Can't I Own a Canadian?'
I seemed to have missed the zeitgeist on this, but this became one of the top suggestions for 'why can't' because of a satirical letter towards Dr. Laura Schlessinger a few years ago. Which you can see here
http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/WhyCantIOwnACanadian_10-02.html
or read below.
October 2002
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan,
Jim
So is Google god? This isn't the first time the search engine has been likened to an all knowing entity. When we look back at Isaac Asimov's 'The Last Question', we find his 1956 short story as possibly yet another sci-fi tale predicting the future of humanity. ( It's a pretty great read, http://www.multivax.com/last_question.html and after reading it check this http://www.multivax.com/). Is Google god? Or is Google just a mere psychic, or psychiatrist that has all the answers? Maybe that's something we should ask Google.
By the way, in case you were wondering, I couldn't help but ask Google, 'Where is Chuck Norris?' and Google gave me this response:
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.
Your search - Chuck Norris - did not match any documents.
Suggestions:
* Run, before he finds you
* Try a different person
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This page has no affiliation with Google
Created by Arran Schlosberg
(here's the link: http://www.nochucknorris.com/)
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