Friday, July 30, 2010

I was suppose to post this an hour ago

The one thing that you can generally bank on showing up right before I do at any engagement, is my own tardiness. “Better late then pregnant” is what I say to break the tension of making people wait for me. I used to say that if I had been born twenty minutes earlier, I’d always be on time. But the truth is I always try to cram in something that I don’t have time for. The only thing worse than being late are the terrible excuses people have for being late. Nobody is ever honest about why they’re late, this is always the reason:

“Hey sorry I’m late, traffic was terrible.”

It would be refreshing to hear someone say why they were really late for once.

“Hey sorry I’m late, I was in the shower singing for way longer than I probably should have been, and then when I got out of the shower, I put on the song that I was singing and started dancing to the song around my apartment. And then I was like, ‘I gotta get going’. But then went to check my e-mail real quick, and then after that I checked my facebook, and saw that someone had posted a video of someone having a hard time parking their car. So then I watched videos of people parking badly for twenty minutes. Then I was like, ‘I gotta get going!’ So I started to walk out the door, and then realized I couldn’t find my keys. So I started to look for my keys and then came across a box of pictures of my old college girlfriend, so I sat down and looked at all the pictures before sitting in silence for 5 minutes pondering if it was my fault we split, and what my life would be like now if we were still together. I then thought about that one party where people kept knocking on the door while we were hooking up in the BATHROOM THAT’S WHERE I LEFT THE KEYS!!! SO I grab the keys, take off, and realize that I’m already about 35 minutes late, so what’s 5 more minutes and stopped off for a cup of coffee. Then, as I was getting back on the highway, I came across a little bit of congestion for about quarter mile which I then decided I would use as the reason for why I was late.”

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Northern Exposition

I just finished writing the Great Canadian Novel. It's a lot like the Great American Novel, but instead of $13.99 it costs $18.50.

Friday, July 23, 2010


The bad news is I can't find my camouflage shorts. The good news is that at least I know that they work.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Nobody Loves Ramen

Whenever I open up a back of Ramen Noodles, I always get that same lame prize; "Flavor Packet???? Shit, I got like twenty of these!"

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Mel's Like Shit

Recently I was talking to someone about what a racist douchbag Mel Gibson is. I was then asked if I would ever see a Mel Gibson movie again, and I said, 'Absolutely not!'
And I meant it, I'm not going to support someone whose beliefs I am so adamantly against.
Unless the movie is like REALLY good. Then I'll see it in a heartbeat. I mean, if Mel Gibson hated all people named Nick, and was arrested in a drunk stupor saying things like, "All Nicks control the media! What, are you some sort of Nick? Shouldn't you be eating some ramen noodles with broccoli? Isn't that what all Nicks like to eat? Shouldn't you be working a the post office? With all the other Nicks?"
I'd be like, "Fuck that Mel Gibson. That dude hates Nicks man, I don't know what he's got against Nicks but he's just perpetuating the hate."
And if my buddy said, "So, do you want to see the new movie where he fights Frankensteins?"
I'd be like, "I already bought tickets!"
What I think they should do is keep making Mel Gibson movies, but the last scene is always Mel Gibson's character getting his ass kicked. The day they shoot that last scene, they bring in real people that have real beef with Mel. They dress these people in costume and the director says, " Alright Mel, these guys are all going to 'real life' kick you ass for ten minutes, and we're going to film it.
Mel says, "But I don't want to get my ass kicked."
And the director says, 'Do you want a film career or not?"
Mel slowly nods his head yes.
Then you go to the movie, knowing that was how they shot the film. You get home and tell your buddy about how awesome the movie was.
" . . .Dude it's fucking great dude, it fucking just! Mel Gibson, killing Frankensteins the whole time, like ALL THESE FRANKENSTEINS! And then his people start losing, but then he gives this rousing speech to get everyone ready; kinda like in that other movie he did.
"You mean 'Mad Max?"
"You mean 'The Patriot?"
"You mean 'Braveheart?"
"Yes . . .oh wait, id you say 'Chicken Run'?"
"No, I said 'Braveheart."
"Oh. Well, it was Chicken Run. He gives this rousing speech like in Chicken Run. And then he goes out and he kills all the Frankenstiens and it's AWESOME - 30 minutes of the movie is a montage of him slow motion killing Frankenstiens, It's Insane! Then there's one Frankenstein left. And he's hiding in this synagogue. And there are these Orthodox Jews that have taken a shining to the Frankenstein. But then Gibson busts in with these crazy eyes, screaming, 'It's alive. It's Alive! ITS ALIVE!!!' Then he shoots the Frankenstien in the back of the head and says, 'Now. . . it's dead.'
But the Frankensteins new friends don't like this, and this one rabbi comes out of the darkness and says, 'Forgive me Lord, for I am about to sin.' And just starts WHOOPING Mel Gibsons ass! And this was the part of the movie where he got his ass kicked in real life, and you can tell cause at one point this guy who's kicking Gibson in the teeth is yelling, 'Mel Gibson you racist piece of shit!'
And then finaly, after about ten minutes of him just getting his ass handed to him, that original bad ass rabii from before, grabs Gibson by the shirt, pulls him in, and says,
'I'll see you in . . .heaven.'
Then just tosses Mel up into the sky so high that he winds up disappearing in the clouds. It's awesome! The Jewish guys, like, kicked his ass, but then, like, still forgave him, it was fucking sweet!"

Monday, July 19, 2010

Do these maternity clothes make me look fat?

'Forever 21' has created some controversey over a new line of maternity wear, marketed towards young, pregnant women. If successful; 'Forever 21' plans to open up a line of stores geared just for young pregnant women called; 'Instantly in your 30's'