There is nothing more romantic than letting that special someone at last call know, that you want to fuck them like an animal. But is fucking someone like an animal, all that it's cracked up to be? EWE DECIDE!
Pandas are such lazy animals that the males have a hard time even getting motivated to have sex. But recently zookeepers have found success in getting the pandas 'randy' by showing them 'Panda Porn'. And what is the number one favorite porno amongst the bears? You guessed it: 'Whamboo, Bamboo, thank you Mamboo'!
When male hippos court the opposite sex, they do so by defecating and flicking thier tail around to spread their feces in the sexiest way that they know how. The female hippo finds this move attactive and next is a game of horny horny hippo. I guess hippos are a lot like frat dudes; they can only get laid if they get a girl shitfaced.
The Female Hyenas not only have balls, but a clitoris the size of a dick. The male hyena then uses his dick to have sex with the female's dick. That's right; female hyenas have balls and dick. They also have a fur coat, deep voices and can be seen in West Hollywood snapping and calling people 'bitch'.
The Frigate Bird can inflate its red neck. Whoever has the biggest red neck, is the Brad Pit of a bunch of rednecks. If you have a small red neck; you're out. No chance. Not getting laid. EVER!
FRIGATE BIRD WITH SMALLEST RED NECK:
"Yeah, I got small red neck, I know it is the only thing we have that differentiates us. and I have the least attractive one...out where every EVERYBODY can see it, ALL THE TIME!!! But...you know, I wear it proudly...uh geez...YES! I know, the red part on my neck is not as big as everyone elses! WHAT DOES THAT MATTER? I mean really, it's not even our genitalia, who cares? I give good BEAK!!!! DOESN'T THAT ACCOUNT FOR ANYTHING!!!!"
As the frigate bird with the biggest red neck begins copulation with his soulmate, he covers her eyes, in case a bird with a larger spot on it's chest walks by; she won't leave him for the new bird. Hey Frigate Bird, I feel for you buddy. I understand why you do it, because we've all had that one relationship, that one where after it was over you say to yourself, "If only I only I would have covered her eyes! She would still be with me if only I had COVERED HER EYES! NONE of this would have happened, if only I had blocked her sight. That's what I get for letting her see stuff! We'd still be married if only that one time I would have OBSCURED HER VISION!"
Macaque monkeys attack their enemies, during their orgasm. That's a pretty bizarre, vengeful enemy.
"Call me a 'weirdo' huh? Right in front of everybody? Just you wait, Im gona get you back, right when you CUM!"
The monkeys are also known to use fruit for bartering, to see each others' privates.
FIRST MONKEY: "Um excuse me, but if I give you some bullshit apple, will you show me your vagina?"
OTHER MONKEY then slaps FIRST MONKEY
OTHER MONKEY: "What sort of monkey do you take me for...wait, did you say, 'some bullshit apple'? YES, I mean, I have my pride, but we're talking about a produce that is incredibly plentiful in our habitat! One apple for one unit of monkey vagina ogling coming right up!"
So we all know that it takes the average male dolphin 12 second to have sex. Which is weird to know that it sometimes takes longer to fart, than it takes dolphins to make a baby. I think that we should use it as a measure of time.
"...I'm almost home, I'll be there in three dolphin fucks."
"...Quit knocking! I'll be out of the bathroom in a dolphin fuck!"
But did we know that dolphins can retract their penis? Now if we had that ability I think the smuggling trade would have some more options. Como se dice...sir are you hiding anything in your reverse dick?
Banana Slugs are hermpherdites that can self fertilize. So, as a matter of fact, they actually can go fuck themselves! Sometimes a banana slugs' penis (which by the way is roughly the same size as the banana slug) get stuck inside another banana slug. If this happens and the slugs can't break free, one of the slugs will then chew off his own, or the other's penis so that they can seperate; or what the layman commonly refers to as 'apophallation'. WAIT! There's a word for that? That's right, the process of a banana slug chewing off somebody elses penis because they got their dick stuck in a vagina; is called 'apophallation'. The english language doesn't have a word for 'deja vu', but we have a word for when banana slugs get their dicks stuck in each other, and have to chew it off. Now normally when I learn a new word, I like to use it sometime within the next week. But I don't know, under what context, I will EVER be able to use the word 'apophallation'. Unless maybe I lie:
ME: "Hey boss, I just wanted to let you know, I had apophallation at the house, that's why I was late, so...but just wanted to let you know that's why I'm running a little behind today."
Although that would be awful if I got called out on it.
BOSS: "You mean to tell me, that the reason that you are late, is because you got your dick stuck in some banana slug's vagina, and it had to chew your dick off to get free?"
I dig myself deeper...
ME: It was actually the other way around...HIS dick in MY vagina.
One species of octopus has a penis that detaches to impregnate the female. That's all I need, for my penis to be detachable; with as often as I lose shit.
ME RANSACKING MY HOUSE FOR MY DICK: "Hey. I can't find my dick, will someone call it for me? You know I do this shit all the time....let's see, remember having it in the shower... damn, where, the...here's my passport, that's cool...but here the hell is my....I keep saying, 'Im going to start keeping it in the same place...Why I ever even take the thing off is beyond me!"
Straw Itch Mites have sex with their brothers and sisters at an alarming rate. Straw Itch Mites can be found in wet straw, thick carpeting and working at most Cracker Barrels.
The male wasp spider inserts it's genitalia inside the female, and then breaks part of it off and uses it as a cork to make sure his semen inseminates the female. That's a conversation you'll never hear human dudes say.
WASP SPIDER GARY "Hey man, I heard you broke your dick off in that chick?"
WASP SPIDER PHIL "Yeah, but the good news is though, she is DEFINATELY getting pregnant.
CHECK OUT MORE NICK VATTEROTT COMEDY AT WWW.OODLESOFPUN.COM
COME SEE 'NO OUTLET' at the UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE THEATER in NYC!
WEDNESDAY APRIL 7 th at 7pm
Nick Vatterott's one man show
NO OUTLET:
situations that eternally encircle
themselves and a cast of characters
each caught in their own perpetual
search for escape.
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